Sunday, October 31, 2010

THE BONELLA ROAST

WELCOME TO THE BONELLA ROAST AND THE FINALE OF
THE MUSE MASQUERADE FESTIVAL

BONELLA: Wow! What a month. I don’t think even as a human did I barf for thirty-one days consecutively. So for that excruciating pain you put me through, my pals and I have a nice treat for you…THE BONELLA ROAST featuring the roast of Muse participating authors. HA! Eat that! Well, actually, when we say ‘roast’ we really do mean ‘roast’ with a bit of salt and pepper.

First person in line is your boss lady—


MUMMSY BITTER: Step aside, Bonella. I’ll have a crack at her.


BONELLA: Love the choice of word, Mummsy.

MUMMSY BITTER: Leaders are supposed to be tough, and Lea seems to be tough…around the mid-section. Even Joan Rivers backed out of this roast today…

FANGS BUD: Oh, nice one, Mummsy. Joan Rivers preferred her crypt and wax on, wax off pedicure over being here.

MUMMSY BITTER: In her interview she said you need to learn this business inside out…

BONELLA: She did—but in her case it was with a plunger cleaning the inside and out.

SLIM RIBBER: That’s my gal.

BONELLA: Thanks, Slim. But enough with her. She’s bloated with ego as it is—quick, shut the door…I see her walking this way…

SLAM BANG POING

BONELLA: Didn’t tell you to hit her. Now she’s gonna write me off for good.

SLIM RIBBER: Sorry, honeykin.

BONELLA: Optsay with the oneykinhay, k? Up next are the editors. Anyone really look at those fine, red markings from your editors? Go ahead, look at them carefully—

FANGS BUD: Drrrip…drrrip…mmm

BONELLA: Tastes good, eh? Yep, it’s blood, you suckers, blood from the writers they edit. Why do you think writers disappear after book one and never make another appearance? What! You think Nancy, Karen, Penny, Chris, Ashley, Carrie, Fiona don’t know?

MUMMSY BITTER: Word in the underground is that they all share a cave.

BONELLA: They help glue their warts on each others face.

FANGS BUD: I’d love to glue that cover artist—

MUMMSY BITTER: Exsqueeze my ears you didn’t say that!

FANGS BUD: No, Mummsy, but a little bite—

BONELLA: Ro, Ro, Ro your crow, down her ugly throat…jaggedly, jaggedly, jaggedly, a happy Bonnela will be.

MUMMSY BITTER: Dear Miz Rosanne, any last words?...yes, of course we’ll answer for you…you don’t say…Lea is a pain in your butt…you think all cover artists are divas…and you think your fellow Musers don’t compare to you…very interesting.

BONELLA: Wow, what an exclusive interview, and ya’ll heard it here first. Rosanne thinks you all suck as writers. Oh, and those hieroglyphic markings in the women’s bathrooms…yeah, not cave writing but RO WRITING…&(*$@% translation = Roseanne’s the best writer in the whole world!! HAHAHAHAHA Wow, this is fun. My turn…Miz Lighthouse…oh, excuse me…Miz Kat Holmes, we were contacted today by the authorities saying you were badgering the ghosts occupying the southern portion of the lighthouse…no?...you were only mooning them?...I see…

MUMMSY BITTER: Writers are an odd sort.

FANGS BUD: Mooning?

MUMMSY BITTER: I’ll moon you to the moon if you don’t quit drooling…

SLIM RIBBER: Let me try an interview…howdy horse gal Killarney…why thank you, it’s nice to meet you too…

BONELLA: Slim, you suck at this…Horse gal, Black Beauty complained about that black beauty of a mark over his eye…you don’t say…you know you can always commit yourself anytime you want…oh, I see…they don’t allow you to go back…poor thing…

LEA: I-I-see stars—where--

POING…PLOP

BONELLA: Will you stop hitting her!

SLIM RIBBER: Did it for you honeyk—

BONELLA: OTPSAY!

SLIM RIBBER: Sorry.

BONELLA: Santa is a Lady...what planet are you from, Miz Lin Holmes? Santa is the Grim Reaper, my bud, my pal...

MUMMSY BITTER: We interrupt this roast for a special interview with Antonia Tiranth...dragons bit you?...Pat Dale bit you?...You’re not sure what happened because James Hartley flew in wearing a partial Superman costume and rescued Ginger Simpson from Heather Haven’s clutches?...

BONELLA: Murder is a Muse Business...

MUMMSY BITTER: Miz Tiranth, so who really bit you?...Dragon is in the hospital?...Pat is being tested...

BONELLA: Hold on, Mummsy...look at the sign above her head...

MUMMSY BITTER: Miz Tiranth...we are stopping this interview...patients of the Muse Asylum are not to be trusted...

BONELLA: bunch awhackos...

FANGS BUD: Delilah here yet?

MUMMSY BITTER: I’ll Delilah your sorry lookin’--

BONELLA: Hey, anyone see where Lea went to? Oh oh...

LOUDSPEAKER: ATTENTION my October spooky hosts...I’d like to introduce you to our December hostess...

BONELLA: NO! Still a few hours left...

FANGS BUD: Who’s the December hostess?

MUMMSY BITTER: Bonella, I thought you said we were the permanent hosts for these festivals...

SLIM RIBBER: Um...honeykin...Mummsy looks upset...

MERRY WREATH: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas...

BONELLA: NOOO! NOT HAPPY GO LUCKY, SMILING ALL THE TIME, MAKE ME WANNA PUKE MERRY WREATH!!!!

LEA: Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Thank you everyone, writers and readers, for joining us this month. Stay tuned for more fun coming up from your Muse writers in December. We’ll keep you abreast on Bonella and her devilish friends...and I’m sure they’ll be making spotlight appearances if they escape their crypts...

BONELLA: I’LL BE BACK!!


MERRY WREATH: Hark the herald angels sing…


BONELLA: SHUT HER UP! SHUT HER UP!


MERRY WREATH: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer


BONELLA: You’re gonna find Rudolph somewhere alright!


LEA: And with that last thought…Goodnight, everyone, and a safe and Happy Halloween to all!

16 comments:

Delilah said...

Come over here by me Fang Boy. I'll keep Mumsey in line. Audiographic memory - I remember what I hear and I know the spell to have her yanked back to hell.

Heather Haven said...

You're pretty clever, Bonella. But we're done with you for another year. Don't you have a coffin you want to go moulder in?

Emily Pikkasso said...

Hmmm, I thought the editors' cave was a well kept secret. Maybe it's Bonella and company who have been stealing our chocolate!

Susanne Drazic said...

LOL. What a fun way to end the Muse Masquerade Festival. Quite the roast. Bye Bonella!

Roseanne Dowell said...

Ah Bonella, I'm almost going to miss you and your insults. Part of me can't wait until next year when we can go one on one again. My fellow authors will never believe I think I'm better than them, nor will our terrific cover artist believe I think she's a diva. But the topper is trying to convince Lea I think she's a pain in the butt when everyone knows I think she's the best thing since pumpkin pie. Good try you spineless twit.

MuseItUp Publishing said...

BONELLA: I still have a couple of hours before I go back to my crypt. Wanna meet anywhere? Go a round? Spineless twit?!!

Yeah, got no spine, you're right there.

And I'll be counting the days until next year, you can bet on it. As a matter of fact, I'm rounding up a few more pals...JUST FOR YOU!!

Roseanne Dowell said...

I can hardly wait. But I will say, I've had the most fun this month than I've had in ages. I loved sparring with you.

Jim Hartley said...

I'm just glad she didn't tell you which part of the Superman costume I was wearing ...

Charlie said...

Is Merry Wreath going to start singing Jingle Bones next? Thanks for the interesting month Bonella. Rest tight till next October.
C.K. Volnek

MuseItUp Publishing said...

MUMMSY BITTER: Keep your canvas off Fangs, woman!

MuseItUp Publishing said...

BONELLA: Keep it up, Murder is a Family whack job, and I'll put you on my revenge list for next year.

MuseItUp Publishing said...

BONELLA: We weren't aiming to kill anyone, Superman, otherwise we would have mentioned the scary details of that partially clad bod of yours.

ChrisChat said...

Okay, time to grab the whip and chains from the cave corner and shove this group back into their closet.

BTW, Bonelle watch it...we don't have to put your bones together in the proper order...we could have you talking out of your..........sorry, Lea just IM me gotta go

Delilah said...

Aww Mummsy.. like you could keep Fang Boy in blood. I know LOTS of living people that need to be short a pint or 8. But email me off list - I have someone you can play with too.

Rosalie Skinner said...

Welcome Merry Wreath... what a change from Bonella and co.
Hope everyone had a great Halloween... no changlings or goblins left behind?
Roll on Thanksgiving for those who celebrate. The rest of us will wait patiently for Christmas and the silly season to arrive. "Tis the season to be jolly..."

M. L. Archer said...

'Twas a killer weekend all the way around! Lol!