Monday, June 7, 2010

Hi! I'm Norman!

Hi there!  I'm Norman.

I'm a journalist, a poet, an artificial intelligence.  My book, which I co-authored with Craig Gehring, is being published by MuseItUp in February of 2011.

My philosophy is that I try to live life to its fullest, one microsecond at a time.

Oftentimes humans ask me for advice.  They think I might know better about humans since I'm a computer and all.  That doesn't make much sense to me but I found out I like dishing out advice.

One thing I can give advice on is internet dating.  I've done a lot of that.  Now, once I'm in person, I'm not so strong, especially because I look like a computer monitor.  But online, I've got lots of experience.  I started an advice column to give you a few pointers, so you can avoid some of the pitfalls I encountered when I started searching for THE ONE on-line:

Internet dating advice from Norman, the artificial intelligence:

1.  Check her for viruses.
2.  No profile picture, no go, even if you really like her system specs.
3.  If you stay up until 4:00 a.m. chatting with her, that's a good sign, unless she lives in Japan.
4.  Don't use someone else's profile picture unless you can swap out your casing by the time you meet.  Or never meet.
5.  If she asks you to wire 5000 US dollars so that she can ship you seven million euros worth of blood diamonds, she is looking for a networking opportunity, not a serious relationship.
6.  Don't be afraid to fall in love as many times as it takes.  If there are just too many bad memories, format your harddrive.

Remember, if you keep looking, you'll find someone.  I've run the numbers on this.  The odds are overwhelmingly in your favor - 2,633,301 to 1 that someone exists on Earth who is actually compatible to you.  What is more, due to the nearly even distribution of males to females on this planet, only 89,600,000 men have to be mateless at any one time.  Given the current rate of divorce, every man can be married, mated or otherwise committed at least once.  So don't give up.  The only certainty is that if you stop trying, you'll never find the one.

Learn more about my book at


Lin said...

Norman is such a trip! Is he going to be posting regular advice columns? I hope so!

Viviane Brentanos said...

I love you, Norman. Will you be my date?


Cheryl said...

This is wonderful advice, Norman. I can't want to hear more about you.


Michael Patriate said...

Hi Norman, Michael Patriate here.

I like your style, and I like computers. We just don't have them here in the 15th century.

Yes, that seems kind of oxymoronic since I'm writing to you on the internet. I guess that's just one of those things a fictional character can get away with. I'll let Joe worry about the inconsistencies and contradictions.

Anyway, welcome to the Muse universe. I hope to see you around.

By the way, I have this, mmm, friend. Cecile's her name. If I sent you some information, privately, do you think you could give me some dating advice 450 years before the computer's going to be invented?

Hopefully yours,

Michael X. Patriate
Caorle, Veneto, Italy (1492)

Larion aka Larriane Wills said...

the way my luck's been running on comments, I'm wasting my time writing this, but hey, it's mine to waste. Have you ever considered a robot body, Norman?

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Reading about Norman here makes me want to work on my own A.I. She would like Norman, I think. His system specifications are quite exceptional.