
THE MUSE MASQUERADE FESTIVAL
BONELLA: Wow! What a month. I don’t think even as a human did I barf for thirty-one days consecutively. So for that excruciating pain you put me through, my pals and I have a nice treat for you…THE BONELLA ROAST featuring the roast of Muse participating authors. HA! Eat that! Well, actually, when we say ‘roast’ we really do mean ‘roast’ with a bit of salt and pepper.
First person in line is your boss lady—
MUMMSY BITTER: Step aside, Bonella. I’ll have a crack at her.
BONELLA: Love the choice of word, Mummsy.
MUMMSY BITTER: Leaders are supposed to be tough, and Lea seems to be tough…around the mid-section. Even Joan Rivers backed out of this roast today…
FANGS BUD: Oh, nice one, Mummsy. Joan Rivers preferred her crypt and wax on, wax off pedicure over being here.
MUMMSY BITTER: In her interview she said you need to learn this business inside out…
BONELLA: She did—but in her case it was with a plunger cleaning the inside and out.
SLIM RIBBER: That’s my gal.
BONELLA: Thanks, Slim. But enough with her. She’s bloated with ego as it is—quick, shut the door…I see her walking this way…
SLAM BANG POING
BONELLA: Didn’t tell you to hit her. Now she’s gonna write me off for good.
SLIM RIBBER: Sorry, honeykin.
BONELLA: Optsay with the oneykinhay, k? Up next are the editors. Anyone really look at those fine, red markings from your editors? Go ahead, look at them carefully—
FANGS BUD: Drrrip…drrrip…mmm
BONELLA: Tastes good, eh? Yep, it’s blood, you suckers, blood from the writers they edit. Why do you think writers disappear after book one and never make another appearance? What! You think Nancy, Karen, Penny, Chris, Ashley, Carrie, Fiona don’t know?
MUMMSY BITTER: Word in the underground is that they all share a cave.
BONELLA: They help glue their warts on each others face.
FANGS BUD: I’d love to glue that cover artist—
MUMMSY BITTER: Exsqueeze my ears you didn’t say that!
FANGS BUD: No, Mummsy, but a little bite—
BONELLA: Ro, Ro, Ro your crow, down her ugly throat…jaggedly, jaggedly, jaggedly, a happy Bonnela will be.
MUMMSY BITTER: Dear Miz Rosanne, any last words?...yes, of course we’ll answer for you…you don’t say…Lea is a pain in your butt…you think all cover artists are divas…and you think your fellow Musers don’t compare to you…very interesting.
BONELLA: Wow, what an exclusive interview, and ya’ll heard it here first. Rosanne thinks you all suck as writers. Oh, and those hieroglyphic markings in the women’s bathrooms…yeah, not cave writing but RO WRITING…&(*$@% translation = Roseanne’s the best writer in the whole world!! HAHAHAHAHA Wow, this is fun. My turn…Miz Lighthouse…oh, excuse me…Miz Kat Holmes, we were contacted today by the authorities saying you were badgering the ghosts occupying the southern portion of the lighthouse…no?...you were only mooning them?...I see…
MUMMSY BITTER: Writers are an odd sort.
FANGS BUD: Mooning?
MUMMSY BITTER: I’ll moon you to the moon if you don’t quit drooling…
SLIM RIBBER: Let me try an interview…howdy horse gal Killarney…why thank you, it’s nice to meet you too…
BONELLA: Slim, you suck at this…Horse gal, Black Beauty complained about that black beauty of a mark over his eye…you don’t say…you know you can always commit yourself anytime you want…oh, I see…they don’t allow you to go back…poor thing…
LEA: I-I-see stars—where--
POING…PLOP
BONELLA: Will you stop hitting her!
SLIM RIBBER: Did it for you honeyk—
BONELLA: OTPSAY!
SLIM RIBBER: Sorry.
BONELLA: Santa is a Lady...what planet are you from, Miz Lin Holmes? Santa is the Grim Reaper, my bud, my pal...
MUMMSY BITTER: We interrupt this roast for a special interview with Antonia Tiranth...dragons bit you?...Pat Dale bit you?...You’re not sure what happened because James Hartley flew in wearing a partial Superman costume and rescued Ginger Simpson from Heather Haven’s clutches?...
BONELLA: Murder is a Muse Business...
MUMMSY BITTER: Miz Tiranth, so who really bit you?...Dragon is in the hospital?...Pat is being tested...
BONELLA: Hold on, Mummsy...look at the sign above her head...
MUMMSY BITTER: Miz Tiranth...we are stopping this interview...patients of the Muse Asylum are not to be trusted...
BONELLA: bunch awhackos...
FANGS BUD: Delilah here yet?
MUMMSY BITTER: I’ll Delilah your sorry lookin’--
BONELLA: Hey, anyone see where Lea went to? Oh oh...
LOUDSPEAKER: ATTENTION my October spooky hosts...I’d like to introduce you to our December hostess...
BONELLA: NO! Still a few hours left...
FANGS BUD: Who’s the December hostess?
MUMMSY BITTER: Bonella, I thought you said we were the permanent hosts for these festivals...
SLIM RIBBER: Um...honeykin...Mummsy looks upset...
MERRY WREATH: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas...
BONELLA: NOOO! NOT HAPPY GO LUCKY, SMILING ALL THE TIME, MAKE ME WANNA PUKE MERRY WREATH!!!!
LEA: Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Thank you everyone, writers and readers, for joining us this month. Stay tuned for more fun coming up from your Muse writers in December. We’ll keep you abreast on Bonella and her devilish friends...and I’m sure they’ll be making spotlight appearances if they escape their crypts...
BONELLA: I’LL BE BACK!!
MERRY WREATH: Hark the herald angels sing…
BONELLA: SHUT HER UP! SHUT HER UP!
MERRY WREATH: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer…
BONELLA: You’re gonna find Rudolph somewhere alright!