Saturday, October 9, 2010

Bonella eats Santa Mom?

BONELLA: Miss Holmes, I’ve been asked by Lea to take it easy on you because you’re ‘special’, which naturally fired up my interest in you and will disreg—Lea, are you here? Good. Will disregard her wishes. What makes you so special? Because you blog about this Goddess of Covers’ covers? Because you promote your ‘Muse sisters and brothers, which by the way, makes me puke green and blue vile whenever I read this. What in the pit of fire pushes you to be so...YUCK...nice!!

LIN: Am I nice? I’m not sure everyone would say that, although it IS flattering, but I can be meaner than a junk yard dog if I have to be, ask my daughter. She’ll tell you there are people who actually cross themselves when I walk by them. Luckily I don’t often have to be that disagreeable. Are you going to make my inner junk yard dog surface?

BONELLA: If he's cute, let me out. You must be a bit whacky—Santa is a Lady—first of all you do know Santa is a myth and Santa is a man, right? Was your Muse totally on booze the day you wrote that story? What possessed you to make Santa a woman?

LIN: Santa is a myth and a man? Oh Bonella, I think I LIKE you. Are you saying men are myths? Sometimes I wish that were true, but I guess you’ve been in the ground too long to remember that no matter how hard you might wish it, men are NOT myths. You haven’t met any of my Muse brothers yet have you? You POOR thing.

What possessed me to make Santa a woman? Well as much as I’d like to take credit for gender bending, I can’t. See, it wasn’t me. I know this may be hard for you to follow…no gray cells left and all, but I’m a channeler. I channel my Muse, and it was my Muse that bent the Santa DNA spectrum for that story. You’d like my Muse. She’s a bit warped too, but I’ve never known her to drink. Next time she pops in I’ll have to ask her.

BONELLA: Ask her when she's sober though. You write sweet romance, totally gross by the way, and also dark fiction. Dark fiction I can handle. So how dark do you write?

LIN: I try to always take a flashlight when I slide beneath the bedsheets into the darkness. I used to write well in total darkness, but I guess my years of Bast-like vision needed more carrots when I was younger. What can I say? Except for carrot cake I haven’t developed a big fondness for THAT root vegetable. Why couldn’t your eyesight improve by eating potatoes?

BONELLA: Now, between you and me, you really write these stories or does your daughter write them for you? Come honest...

LEA: Are you badgering the guests?

BONELLA: Lea, you’re here. No, I... well... I can’t be nice all the time. Give me a break.

LEA: Lin, ignore that question please.

BONELLA: Yeah, ignore that question please, Lin, let’s ‘play nice’—someone pass the barf bag puhlease—while I’m occupied please tell everyone here what else you write. Wait...okay go...I blocked my ears...what? I can’t hear you—

LIN: That’s okay Lea, I don’t mind repeating myself since the holes in her head have nothing beyond them and that has to make hearing a BIG challenge…even without extraneously gaudy cotton balls stuffing her cranial cavity. You really do need to fire your couturier, Bonella, and maybe read some modern medical journals. We are told today NOT to put things in our ears.

Who writes my stuff…once again my Muse, and she’s not happy that you chose to ignore that. She works very hard to be my own personal pain in the posterior…and you are not allowed to insult me about that because she can outsmart you any day of the week and has had many more years of experience driving me nuts. I think I should give you a bit of advice here…you really don’t want to mess with anything that is connected with Muses, and just so you don’t misunderstand me…stop rolling your eye sockets! That is MOST unattractive. Do you need some toothpicks to keep your sockets in place? A broken broom handle or two? No?

Okay then let me just let you in on this…Muses stick together and they wield some pretty awesome power. If you’re not careful they’re going to reduce you to a dust bunny.

As for my daughter, she likes writing her own stories and I’m sure her personal muse would not thank you for suggesting otherwise. But then I don’t suppose that matters to you.

Actually, I think you are a very lucky ah-ah-allergen…excuse me a second…your…dustiness is aggravating my sinus cavities, oh and not in a good way…AHHHH CHOOO!

Not going to bless me? That’s okay. I wasn’t really expecting it…but I do have some advice for you. Just got it from my doctor actually; how she knew I’d be talking to a fragmenting piece like you, I can only guess, but here’s the advice. HYDROCORTISONE CREAM…works better than any lotion in the world for that dry-scaly feeling.

BONELLA: You finished answering? Hold on...Lea, toss these cotton balls in the garbage, will ya? Last question because you’re making me sick...

LEA: Last warning and then Fangs is going to take over.

BONELLA: Woman holds a mean wet noodle. Miss Santa Confused the Genre, if you were given an opportunity to travel back in time, which era would you travel to and why? There, that was...shudder...nice...bring that bag back...

LIN: Oh Bonella. Now you’ve asked a question that is insightful and delicious to think about. It also deserves a respectful answer. I think I’d like to go back to when women were given the respect that creators and nurturers of the next generation deserved. Back before they were considered chattel. Back when we worshipped nature in all its beauty and power. Family and friends all worked to create a common abundance and no one did without. This is a HUGE planet with so much bounty that was cherished for its richness, and tended to so those coming behind them would inherit the same wealth of humanity, and nature they’d inherited. I would go back to that simplicity and hugeness.

As for being MISS SANTA CONFUSED? Guess you don’t really need cotton to be…clueless in the brain capacity. So let me tell you, Old One, a bit about the wonders I have in store for the reading world.

My Santa is not confused, she’s very much a Lady, and here’s the part you are probably hacking up tumbleweeds over, and by the way, tumbleweeds do not fit into the “roughage” food group, not even for, uhm bone mounds.

Angie Brightwell is HELPING out her friend and that is why Santa is a Lady. Beck Cavington came to her after her “professional” Santa was hauled off in shackles. OH My God! That’s IT! That’s why you’re so nasty. Your spirit is prowling around with shackles and chains! That makes so much sense. Oh you poor thing, still leave the Muses alone. And please keep your dander to yourself. Wow for a rotting calcium deposit do you have a temper!

Anyway Beck needs to replace her “professional” Santa with four more “Santa on the Santa Throne” days to go. All the other “professional” as they attended Santa College, males, are already playing the man in red. When you are desperate, who you gonna call? Your friends, and since you have mentioned having some, sorta hard to imagine, but hey, to each his own, when Beck called, Angie, a woman with a voice Minnie Mouse would be proud of, reluctantly agrees. Her Ho-ho-ho’s come out as He’he-he’s.

Nothing remotely gender confused. If you want to know more, well Santa Is A Lady, Book One in the Christmas Miracles Series comes out from Muse It Up Publishing on December 1, 2010. You can’t miss it. Mine is the cover that has the girl in the Santa hat on it.

I sloughed off…ooops, sorry, my therapist would call that a Freudian slip…but I did gloss over the sooty gauntlet you laid down about my “dark” stories, but I will concede it too deserves an answer.

My dark stories aren’t about cantankerous relics like yourself. You are a minor irritant. My stories aren’t about things that go bump in the night, although one, Beyond Yesterday does have a specter, kinda. Would you please stop putting your claw through that hole in the side of your head then poking a finger out of your mouth and flapping it like a tongue. You actually have to have a tongue to give the Bronx Cheer and a creaky finger just doesn’t do it. I don’t know what they’re teaching you in the afterlife, but geeze, if you are going to give any of my fellow Muser’s the Bronx Cheer dig up a worm or a caterpillar first. At least THEY really do wiggle. Still need to work on the sound. I’m sure you could slip into a music store and uh, transport a CD of creepy sounds out for future nigglings? Beyond Yesterday comes out on September 1, 2011 if you to find out what I mean by “kinda”.

My other dark story…well let me just say ALL of my covers were done by that Cover Goddess you mocked in the beginning, Delilah K. Stephans, and oh man I cannot wait until you try to interview HER! Is she going to dust your mandible. Delilah did the cover for Twilight Comes. (She does ALL my covers.) It shows a good looking man, standing in the forefront dressed in smart business clothes. In the background there’s a storm complete with jagged bolts of lightning. Delilah caught the entire essence of the story. He, Mick, is a successful man. Okay, I probably, given today’s atmosphere should NOT have made him a stockbroker. I needed something that would automatically make us know there is something less than above board about gorgeous Mick, and what better career for him than a successful stock broker who’s quite glad to make money for his BIG clients, while his others? Well, they should be fending for themselves not wasting his valuable time with their peanuts.

The lightning? Well a businessman has two places where he rules if he’s a Stockbroker. Mick is doing really well on Wall Street. So guess where the storm is going to explode?

Twilight Comes is scheduled for a May 1, 2011 release.

Oh I forgot. There is a sequel to Santa is a Lady. I’ve already told you about Beck. She can be…irritating, bit NOTHING like her Mama. She sorta reminds me of you, Bonella, except she has flesh and showers regularly.

Beck’s Mama we believe is the reincarnation of Attila the Hun. Do you know him? Ooops, flubbed again. Your jangling spirit side would be the one to interact with good Old Attila.

Irene Cavington is a real Mother! And that is not a compliment. She has nine days to get her daughter good and hitched and it don’t matter one teeny tiny bit to whom. Irene’s continued wealth is in the balance and she likes being the Snooty Queen of the Manor. Told you she reminded me of you.

Beck has other plans. There’s a new minister in town, and Oh Good God she wants to tempt his altar. Who will win? The Christmas War, Book Two in the Christmas Miracles Series releases on December 1, 2011. I’m not telling you about Book Three since I haven’t written it yet, but I will tell you, you meet the lead lady in Book Two and oh has she got a secret. Second hint, the hero is mentioned in Book One.

I have another book coming out in February which I already know you are going to loathe, Bonella. Are you sure you want me to tell you about it? I’d hate to be the one responsible for your bones rattling in disgust so hard you crumble apart. Sure you can handle it? Okay. Don’t say I didn’t give you the opportunity to pass on it.

Lea, you remember Lea, she decided it was a perfect Valentine story so Forever With You comes out on February 1, 2011. I absolutely love the cover Delilah did for this one. I’ll tell you a secret, course it won’t be a secret any more if I tell you will it? Hmmm, should I? Yeah, Delilah, be prepared to stand up and take many bows. This is my number one favorite of all the covers, and you’ve done five so far, for me. I love the simplicity of it, yet the power of emotion. This is also my most favorite story, so thank you for giving me a cover so powerfully right.

Coryne is a lawyer with land in the mountains. Once upon a time she’d dreamed of building the perfect log house, but sometimes life has other plans. Now she has to get the plans she and her architect created built in a brief time period. Keith Patterson owns his own construction company but he is far too drool worthy to trust with such a big project in so small a time frame. Coryne’s friends convince her Keith can do the job.

Determined to oversee the work, she purchases a small camping traveler to live in while they construct the house’s shell. Once they have it enclosed enough, she moves in.

Keith is there every single day, and she can’t help groaning, because God help her he’s eye candy. He’s also a “thou-shalt-not”.

Days become weeks, and weeks become months. Dreams…Oh Boy, does she have dreams.

Watching a bead of sweat travel down his neck makes her heart stampede. So not good. She cannot have him, she hopes.

Forever With You is being released by Muse It Hot on February 1, 2011, and I bet you cannot guess how this one will end. In fact I dare you to read it and say you knew how it was going to end! I’m sorry, I forget the sockets, no eyes. Hard to read anything. Maybe you can get one of those friends you talk about, to read it TO you!

You did know, I hope, that I have TEN contracts with Muse It Up and Muse It Hot so far? How long are you allowed to uhmm, fleck out here? That long? They don’t like you very much back in your world do they?

You might like The Pendulum Swings which will be releasing from Muse It Hot on March 1, 2011. There’s an actual dead body. No, come to think of it, you probably won’t because this dead body doesn’t turn to bones. Well then again, maybe she did, but it wasn’t her. Confused? My daughter Kat, and by the way, torturing her over her name choice? Honey, yours is Bonella. Don’t think that gives you no room to talk.

Any who, Kat hosted a guest interview with one of the central players in this story, the fireplace. I’m going to put the link here. You all HAVE to read the interview done with Miss Marble, a most, seductive fireplace...and yes, Bonella, you’ll need your buddies to read it to you. Who knows, afterwards you might just want to take a hike over and see how much dust you can stir up there.

The link is

Is it cold where you park your bones? Because the next story I have coming out is gonna “frost” your bones.

This one will be out on June 1, 2011. The title should let you know it is going to get really frigid even though it is being released from the Muse It Hot side of Muse Publishing. In From The Cold and yes, that IS Jimmy Thomas on the cover. If that doesn’t tell you things are going to steam up in spite of the cold, then you’ve been away from your corpse too long.

Mari loathes men who are not on speaking terms with the Grim Reaper. Your boyfriend, maybe?

She moved to her mountain where her only neighbor is a elderly curmudgeon almost as crotchety as you…almost, he still has skin, so he doesn’t inflame people’s asthma, at least Mari never told me he made her lungs spasm.

She likes her curmudgeon. He’s not going to tick her off and besides beneath the bluster, they forge a growing respect. All is right with Mari’s world, until her curmudgeon up and dies, leaving everything to her, with one minor stipulation. She has to sell HIS cabin only then does she inherited his wealth. He doesn’t think she can handle owning two cabins…Foolish man.

She hires a real estate agent, but makes her abundantly aware of one stumbling block to any sales…she cannot sell to any man not drinking Geritol. Things moved along until Mari had to go west for a month to help with her son’s wedding. Signing over temporary power of attorney to her real estate agent in case a sale can happen in her absence, Mari comes back to her worst nightmare.

He’s 35 and a hunk.

He also spends the spring and summer parading all over HER mountain in clothes no self respecting woman should have to see.

Her long dead libido leaps into irritating life. She needs to get her annoying neighbor out of her system before the storm approaching arrives and the temperatures outside plummet.

He’s outside cutting wood with his shirt off, the tease. The only solution? She is going to have to jump his bones!

I see THAT got your attention, Bonella, but if you want more you are going to have to wait till it’s June 1, 2011 release. See I told you I could be a junk yard dog!

There is no way inside or outside of Hell I am telling you about Champagne Afternoon my November 1, 2011 release from Muse It Hot. I mean what would a prune faced bag of bones know about spending an afternoon inside a huge whirlpool at a Nudist Camp on a dare? So NOT going to do it. If you want to learn about that one, until it’s out you’re going to have to find someone who can hack into Lea’s vault like data bank. So NOT going to happen.

Oh, sorry, I skipped one. My August 1,2011 release from Muse It Hot. This Time Forever. What do you do when you are about to meet someone you’ve been talking to over the Internet for almost a year and on your way your mind keeps flashing you into some alien life in Pompeii before eruption? Do you run from your meeting? Will whatever forces at work LET you run? Get This Time Forever and find out.

How many does that make?

1. Santa is a Lady-Book One in the Christmas Miracles Series; December 1,2010

2. Forever With You; February 1, 2011

3. The Pendulum Swings; March 1, 2011

4. Twilight Comes; May 1, 2011

5. In From The Cold; June 1, 2011

6. This Time Forever; August 1, 2011

7. Beyond Yesterday; September 1, 2011

8. Champagne Afternoon; November 1, 2011

9. The Christmas War-Book Two in the Christmas Miracles Series; December 1, 2011

NUMBER TEN!!!! Right, I forgot to tell you about number ten. It’ll come out on February 1, 2012. See how hard I work? No moldering in some dank underground grave for me.

A man leaves for work after some INCREDIBLE BETWEEN THE SHEETS time with his beloved wife, so he cannot believe his eyes when he gets home and find SHE’S GONE. Kidnapped? She must have been…but her side on the closet is empty, only one toothbrush is in the bathroom. SHE”S GONE!

NO! He cannot believe it. He needs to retrace his steps because somewhere in this house the answers exist…but is he smart enough to find them, and put them all together before it’s too late? She’s Gone releases from Muse It Up Publishing on February 1, 2011.

Well Bonella any more questions?

BONELLA: Satan keep me sane...this woman is Motor Mouth City. How many souls did you sell to have all those contracts? Wish I could say it was nice meeting you but that was the last bag in the house so I’ll simply say BYE, SCOOT, EXIT DOOR, LEAVE, BEGONE!


Lin said...

Thanks for making me laugh. Bet you hadn't counted on THAT reaction, but you really are funny, Bonella.

Pat Dale said...

Ohhh, Bony! You really stepped in it this time! As you can see, Lin is nobody to mess with, especially since you have no body. Get it? He He He.
Way to go, Lin. Honestly, trying to keep up with all those books coming out made me dizzy. Oh well, I do my best work when I can't tell up from down. LOL
Pat Dale

Roseanne Dowell said...

Good way to handle Bonella, Lin. I knew she wouldn't get the best of you.

Killarney said...

Holy Lin! I got a ways to go to catch up with you! LMAO!

Anonymous said...

LOL. Interesting interview. CONGRATS on all your books, Lin!

Unknown said...

Way to hold your ground with Bonella, Lin :) I enjoyed the interview. And congratulations on all of the upcoming books.